


Two Hearts (A Bagginshield Fic)

by HildyJ



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bilbo Remains In Erebor, Alternate Universe - Bookstore, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Greasers, Ballroom Dancing, Birthday Cake, Desert Island, Dystopia, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Kidnapping, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pirates, Republican National Convention, Sharing a Bed, Victorian Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-13 10:40:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10512087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HildyJ/pseuds/HildyJ
Summary: Bilbo's running a coffee shop in Erebor and Thorin's in love with him.





	

In some undefined part of Erebor there was a coffee shop. Not a cold and echoic place, filled with hard rocks and the still lingering smell of dragon droppings. No, this was a hobbit’s coffee shop, and that means comfort.

‘Tis wonderful, Bilbo,’ Bofur said while drinking his third cappuccino of the morning, ‘how you and Dori are able ta run this place all by yerselves while still finding the time to chew the fat with ya friends.’

‘Well,’ Bilbo answered as he lazily wiped a cloth over a table for the tenth time that morning, ‘it helps that this place has a rather exclusive circle of customers.’ He looked up and spied movement outside the door. ‘Speak of the…’

Dwalin, Nori and Ori came in as one. ‘We were just passing,’ they said.

Bilbo had their coffees ready as usual and they all sat down and blended into the wallpaper just the right amount to give atmosphere and colour. This was a Bagginshield story, after all, and the author knows that most people skip through all of this scene-setting to get to that sweet, sweet lingering gazes and stuttering sentences action.

‘Too bad Kíli and Fíli couldn’t have come by,’ Bilbo said, ‘they might have livened this part of the fic up a bit.’

Nori gestured with a lazy thumb behind him. ‘They were coming with us, but then they saw a swing set outside and that distracted them.’

Bilbo shook his head, his rustling curls enchanting everybody within a five feet radius. ‘Boys will be boys.’

‘Wher’s Balin?’ Bofur asked when he finally tore himself away from the vision behind the counter.

‘Single-handedly running the kingdom,’ Dwalin answered, eating a biscuit somehow, ‘as usual.’

‘He’d have to, wouldn’t he?’ Dori said (having entered the scene without the author knowing), ‘with Thorin being the way he is.’

Bilbo frowned prettily. ‘What way?’ He looked around at his companions. Ori hid a giggle behind a book, Bofur’s accent thickened, Nori pocketed a napkin dispenser, Dwalin’s chest grew six inches wider, and Dori rebraided all of his hair. Is that all of them accounted for? One tends to lose track of the dwarves when there’s more than three in one scene. I don’t know how Tolkien ever did it. Oh, wait…

‘Laddie, ya mean ta tell me ya doon’t see any-ting odd aboot de ole guv’nor?’ Bofur’s hat asked.

‘Uh…’ Bilbo’s hazel eyes blinked politely.

‘He means,’ Ori ventured, a small whisper coming from the top of his woollen cardigan, ‘you don’t think Thorin’s acting strangely?’

‘No,’ Bilbo said while pouring another latte for Nori with one hand and pulling out fresh plate of scones from the oven with other, ‘no more than usual.’

‘Hang on,’ Dwalin said, ‘here his majesty comes. Time to get to the good stuff. Alright, lads, let’s all do our best this time and really blend in with the background. Give these two their space for a quality shipping moment. If we do it right, there might be some fan art in it for all of us. Well, for Bilbo and Thorin at least.’

The door opened and there was nobody in the world but Bilbo and Thorin; their eyes meeting across the - big? small? - the unestablished coffee shop, icy blue meeting green. Thorin took a moment to enjoy the way the sunlight played across Bilbo’s honeyed curls. That was before he remembered that they were several hundred feet underground and then, as if by magic, some sort of source of light appeared on the wall behind the hobbit, giving him a fitting, golden halo effect.

‘Bilbo,’ Thorin sighed as usual.

‘Thorin,’ Bilbo replied, pressing a hand to his chest to calm his racing heart.

‘Bilbo, you must help me.’

‘Thorin, you know I would do anything for you.’

‘Bilbo, I ask too much of you.’

‘Thorin, you could never ask too much of me.’

‘How lucky I am…’ Thorin’s voice grew tight and he turned away to wipe away a tear, ‘to have you for a _friend_.’ The last word almost choked him.

‘Not…’ Bilbo broke off with a sob, digging out a handkerchief to wipe his – I wanna say grey? - eyes, ‘n-not as l-lucky as I am to h-have you as friend!’ He blew his nose loudly with a second handkerchief as the first one was already sopping wet.

‘Oh, Bilbo, I couldn’t ask you to do this!’

‘Oh, Thorin, do, do ask me!’

‘Oh, Bilbo!’ cried Thorin.

‘Oh, Thorin!’ cried Bilbo.

‘Get on with it!’ cried the wallpaper.

‘Right,’ Thorin said, really settling into his expository dialogue, ‘you see, Bilbo, a trade delegation is coming here from the Blue Mountains and they’re bringing a selection of eligible dwarrowdams and dwarves for me to choose from to be my consort.’

‘Is it alright if I interrupt you here,’ Bilbo interrupted, ‘just to make this part seem more like a conversation than a piece of exposition?’

‘Perfectly fine,’ Thorin dialogued back, ‘now, you know for reasons of my own I’m not interested in marrying anyone ever and ever, so obviously I’ll need you to pretend to be my boyfriend again.’

‘Boyfriend?’

‘Right. Not Middle-earthy enough. How about paramour? Concubine? Courtesan? Beau?’

Bilbo flushed prettily. ‘The last time we did this, I was your intended.’

Thorin snapped his fingers. ‘That’s the one! Intended! When was that? Was that when Dáin brought his sister from the Iron Hills?’

‘No, that was the one before the last one. The last one was when your grandmother unexpectedly showed up and wanted to see you settled and married before she died.’

‘Ha!’ Thorin threw his head back in laughter. ‘Yes, we really tricked that old bird into believing I was happy and fulfilled in my life.’

‘But the wedding ceremony _was_ lovely,’ Bilbo sighed with a dreamy look in blue-ish, grey-ish eyes which also had bits of green and hazel. Definitely not plain brown I mean can you imagine?

‘Bilbo.’ Thorin grabbed Bilbo’s hand suddenly, sending electric sparks, though they hadn’t been discovered yet, up both of their arms. ‘Am I asking too much of you? All these fake relationships, one after the other, being civil to an endless parade of my relatives, eating every meal of the day together, sitting by my side in the throne room and being my closest confidant in every matter of my life…’

‘No, it’s not too much,’ Bilbo replied bravely and honourably and with a real air of noble self sacrifice, ‘after all, we already share a bed.’

‘Yes…’ Thorin looked away with a suspicious-sounding cough.

‘I was really surprised,’ Bilbo continued innocently, ‘the mountain looks so huge, you can see it from thousands of miles away and you all talked of ‘halls upon halls upon halls’ during the journey here but apparently not ‘bedrooms upon bedrooms’, eh?’

Thorin was studying the wallpaper so intently until he could just about make out the silhouette of Bofur’s accent.

‘And you would think that you being the king and all, you wouldn’t have to share with anybody. But you were the first one to offer! But Thorin,’ his tone turned serious, ‘did you take my advice about building some more bedrooms? Dwarves seem to be arriving every day and I don’t know where you’re putting them all!’ He smiled a lovely smile. ‘But everyone seems satisfied so what do I know?’

‘Oh, Bilbo, if you only knew…’ Thorin whispered just loud enough that you would think Bilbo would be able to hear him. But for the sake of the story, he didn’t.

Suddenly, Thorin, Bilbo and the author remembered that they had started holding hands a few paragraphs back and things started to heat up again. No more exposition, no more scene-setting, just pure Bagginshield pining.

‘Oh, Bilbo,’ Thorin started up again.

‘Oh, Thorin.’ Bilbo followed suit.

Two pairs of lips quivered, two tops and two bottoms, glistening and yearning for the touch of another (pair of lips). It had been so long and yet so brief, they had been so close and yet so far, two hearts were filled to bursting and two heads were close to draining of everything but one single, shared thought: kiss, kiss, kiss!!

And then the door opened to the coffee shop. Which is where we are, remember?

Three old, very bearded and not really attractive dwarves entered.

‘Yes?’ Bilbo went back to wiping the counter of the coffee shop.

‘Come quickly!’ the red-bearded one boomed, ‘something’s very dramatic happening.’

‘So dramatic, in fact,’ the very old one added, ‘that it will have to postpone your first kiss until at least chapter 14.’

‘ _It’s what we call a cliffhanger_ ,’ the axe-headed one signed.

‘I’m sorry,’ Thorin said, ‘who are you again?’

‘It’s us! Your companions from the quest! Óin, Glóin and Bifur!’

‘Oh.’ Bilbo blinked his orbs. ‘To be frank, I’d completely forgotten you three existed until right now.’

‘That’s fair,’ they replied in unison.

‘But what about that dramatic thing that just _has_ to be revealed in the narrative at this moment?’ Thorin asked with a cold look in the direction of the author.

‘Pirates!’ Glóin or maybe Óin said, ‘Pirates have sailed into the harbour of Erebor.’

‘Pirates!’ Thorin repeated majestically.

‘Erebor has a harbour?’ Bilbo asked quizzically.

‘Come, Bilbo,’ Thorin grabbed Bilbo’s other hand, leaving behind the counter-wiping cloth on the counter, ‘we must throw ourselves immediately into danger to find out which one of us is going to be kidnapped by pirates—

‘I’m the shortest so it’ll probably be me,’ Bilbo added.

‘-- and which one of us is going to pursue their ship across the seas until I have you in my arms again, enfolding you in a strong and strictly platonic embrace as is befitting two bed-sharing friends.’

‘Right,’ Bilbo answered, ‘we’ll pick up Fíli and Kíli from the swing set on the way. That’ll give you someone to brood to about me while we’re separated. Maybe Dwalin as well, if we can get him out of the wallpaper.’

‘To the harbour!’ cried Thorin.

‘And to the end of the chapter!’ cried Bilbo.

**Author's Note:**

> ~~Kudos and comment for more chapters, you guys!!!!!~~   
>  ~~Love you!!!!!!!!~~
> 
> April fool!


End file.
